Unlikely Anniversary

Monday, December 8, 2008

It is coming up on a year since my back injury. I did not know how I would feel as the date began to grow close. On December 13th of 2007, I injured my back. I was in bed and in extreme pain for many months while I awaited surgery. It was a complicated and confusing time. I had no idea what was wrong and had to wait weeks and months for word from the doctors.

I was stuck in an insurance nightmare. My fate was in the hands of the insurance company and they were not running to my aid. It was such a lesson for me. I have always "known" that I am not in control. Yet, every day, I did my best to convince myself otherwise. I organized and cleaned, I worked obsessively, I hounded my children and looked at myself in the mirror with a cruel and critical eye. From the very beginning, I knew deep inside that hidden in the pain, in the unknown, in the surrender, that there was a lesson not far from the surface. I could see early on that the universe had been whispering to me to alter my ways. I was not listening. Finally, the universe shouted, "Go lie down!" I had no choice but to obey. I had to plan the pain medication to coincide with using the toilet because bending was SO painful. When my children would leave for school, the click of the door signaled another day alone, in bed, unable to get up to even fetch a class of water.

It was in those days that I could see, none of us are in control of our destiny. The best we can do is embrace the moments that make up our lives. Surgery finally came and although generally, I steer away from western medicine, I knew surgery was the best option. It was a technical success, textbook. Physically I was healing very rapidly and with much success. It has not been until recently that I have begun to realize the emotional toll my time away from living in the world has taken on my soul, my family and my career. 

It is the simple details of the day that have been most appealing. I find I am seeking a different picture of what I hope for my life, for my children, for my love. I still find there are days I seek the solace of my bed, no longer confined to the down comforter and forced to lie staring at the ceiling-I find I long for the lesson. The lesson of surrender, of forgiveness for myself, to allow myself time. I still need time to heal, to hope and to love me and where I am today.
So on this day, my bed remains empty while I explore once again, how to walk, how to love and how to surrender.