Sometimes the time passes and I am gliding along the current without noticing. August came in like a roaring lion, early birthdays, visitors, readying a girl for university...I am just now catching my breath. Except the air is filled with veils of smoke and ash. This is par for the course here in Los Angeles in the late summer. It is as if the hills are combustible. Fires erupting here and there along the San Gabriel Mountain Range. The skies are ablaze, the light is filtered through a thick red haze, the inside of the house glows vermillion. The smell of heat and wood and golden yellow assault you as you walk outside.
Monday, August 31, 2009
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Friday, August 14, 2009
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Thursday, August 13, 2009
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Thursday, August 6, 2009
Tomorrow is my Forty-Second birthday. My first born is heading off to university and my youngest is sixteen. I can hardly believe the swiftness in which time travels. I can remember the birth's of both children like it happened this morning. I can recall the first day of school, skinned knees, moments of quiet, luxurious napping the both of them did until they were five...I have been blessed in all of my days, the difficult ones and the ones brimming with joy. I have learned many lessons and been showered with numerous gifts.
However, this year has been trying and sad and long. I feel ready to package it up with the other Forty-One birthdays, tidy and sweet, tied on the top with a silk ribbon in bright red, a sprig of rosemary tucked under the ribbon. I spent the day passing out postcards and flyers for the new art endeavor, it felt good, closing a year with a bright and shiny new impulse. I even stood up for myself in FedExKinkos. I am truly tired of sub-par customer service. It has been a pet peeve of mine for some time. Today, I spoke my mind. I felt weird as I walked out, calmly after speaking my piece with the supervisor. I vowed to NEVER enter that establishment again. I won't either. When I am done, I am done for good. I was plagued with regret on the drive home. Then, I remembered the essential. Be nice. Just be nice, and helpful, especially when I AM PAYING YOU MONEY FOR A SERVICE. BE NICE, PLEASE.
I feel a little melancholy as I do around most birthdays, but I am looking forward to a new year. This one, like all of the others, is filled with the promise of joy, sorrow and love. I could not ask for more. I am very lucky to be alive.
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Wednesday, August 5, 2009
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Monday, August 3, 2009
I see light. I see a little spark of light. I see the potential for once again being a participant in my life. It has been a long time, Life, nice to see you again. My birthday is approaching and usually, it feels dark around the date. Lots of undone things, some regrets, and of course, the joys. This week however, feels good. Feels tidy, and put together. There are few regrets because throughout this year I finally learned that there is no point to regret. There is only living and striving and hoping and loving. I have been trying to be full of grace, walk in grace...It feels like some of that striving is sticking. I am happy for this year to be over. It has been hard and there have been lots of tears and shifts that seemed to tear at the fiber of my identity. Yet, here I stand, surrounded by growing things in the garden, tomatoes ripening on the vine, raspberries peeking out from spiky green leaves and white Pikake flowers finally blooming. I pick a small branch each day and stick it in my ponytail. I can't smell back there, but I know it is there and that makes me smile. Are there dark days, yes. There are still days of deep sadness. But this morning? This morning, I see some light...
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