Vivid Dreams

Monday, March 9, 2009

My nights have been filled with vivid dreams of things past and things future. I just can't seem to read the urgent news. I awake tired and spent from the nightly travels and yearn for a few more minutes of dark, dreamless rest. My memories have been flooding back to me in rushing torrents and waves. Faces, young and old, of my students flash before my heart and eyes. I feel relief and remorse. Failure and triumph. I want to run toward and away. Move back and then rush to the next chapter. Everything in my life reminds me of my time with my students, in every corner, something takes me back and moves my heart. The only thing I do not know, is how to proceed in the present.  I find myself wandering the empty house without purpose. There are things that can be done, I just can't reach them, physically, spiritually. I want to walk in the other direction, onward, alone, if I turn to look back, I fear I will turn into a pillar of salt. I would be stuck with my past, unchanged, unexamined. But, oh, the fire of change! I yearn for the sulphuric experience. Burn the past, release the gaseous memories to the air, transform the carbon into ash, dissolve it in the waters of life, and the salt of earth rises once again. A resurrection of soul, memory and wholeness.

2 comments:

Circe said...

Dear heart,

I understand and can certainly relate to your words, and feelings and the things you are going through... am pondering them more, and will respond better when things settle here a bit.

You are in a process of becoming; don't doubt yourself, even if you seem to be existing in a dichotomy! I don't know if you've looked at this blog (on my follow list) Energy and Intention
http://noreenbarron.blogspot.com/

You may find some comfort there in some of Noreen's posts... especially about self acceptance, healing... what you resist persists... I really think there is likely something there for everyone! However, it can be a leap for some, new territory for others... just a thought. I hope you have sweet soothing dreams tonight!

Circe

ps I am going to start showing the password required to post when it's an interesting one: this time it's, believe it or not, WINGOD...!

Terry Gallina said...

Hi Friend, Your thoughts today took me back 9 years ago. It's almost the same story. I left my career, because of much unnecessary pain, to stay home. There was nothing smooth about the transition. I like to look back and say I closed a chapter in my life. It was so very hard letting go of that life. I don't know death but the emptiness was a horrible pain. The strange thing was that I had the joy of my family in my heart. I was confused and not really clear of my new expectations.
The only thing for sure was that I had my family, plus good management and budgeting skills. I applied this to my home life and was proud of what I accomplished at home for me and the family.
I really appreciate your honesty. I call it my therapy. When I'm honest with me for me, I feel better. God would never give me something I could not handle.
I believe your feelings are steps. All in the right direction of course. he he
Change is good. I'm confident your words are comforting to so many. I've found comfort in connecting with you. I think of the laughter we shared. Our time in school, at the beach, at work, up late counting the stars, time with our kids and now. I love that we can pick up where we left off.
One more thing, your pictures are beautiful ...dream, dream, dream of what surrounds you.
Terry