I Wish I Had A River

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it don't snow here
It stays pretty green...

At one point, after college, I had to stop listening to Joni Mitchell. She has always had a profound effect on me. I haven't been listening to her songs too much lately, but this one creeps in every once and awhile. I no longer live by a river. The ocean is a bit of a drive.  Not only does it stay pretty green, but it was 80 degrees here today. I even put the air conditioner on in the car. Sorry to all of you east coasters. I have had the words of this song running through my mind recently. I seem to hear them whenever I am feeling blue or confused or lost. I can't seem to shake the sadness. I really wish there was a frozen river, snaking through the bare, gnarled branches of silhouetted trees, that I could skate away on.

Oh, I know, my situation will remain the same, regardless of the shore I land upon, but it feels good to imagine the escape. I have always been a trooper, a doer, I never rested for a moment. But this, this period seems long and just sad. I hate that I can't push through this quickly, that I am doomed(allowed,) to feel every tinge of this point of my life. I am having a hard time having faith, trusting my instincts. I am trying not to be surprised by what the future brings and holds. I know my future is out in front of me, I just need to walk toward it. Can I do it with my eyes closed, like a roller coaster, or a scary movie?

I hope you all have not run away. I started this blog because I was feeling so isolated and lonely. Your positive comments have been so reassuring. I already feel a camaraderie from those who have left comments or sent personal emails. All of them have helped. Immensely. 

My ocean is not frozen over, the only frozen things around are the ice cubes in my freezer. No skating away. Just living. opening my eyes each day, making the best of it. I promise, the next post will be lighter, funny even. Clowns? Improv? I will keep you guessing!