Feeling Empty

Friday, January 9, 2009

I am feeling stripped from the inside out this morning. I feel empty and torn and gray. What I know and have always known is that one must have courage for the truth. I have tried to walk this path for many a year. Have courage for the truth. Have courage for the truth. It is selfish really. Mostly, it is so I can review the end of my day and know that at least I tried to be truthful. I am certain, the truth is all that matters. It comes out, even when others lie and confidently spread falsehoods. Perhaps not everyone is able to see it or experience it, but one can feel it. You feel it so deeply in your soul that you cannot doubt the power of it, the truth.

Yesterday I was surrounded by individuals that I would otherwise choose to steer clear of in my daily life. Yet, somehow, my path is intersecting with theirs at this moment in time. My mantra is always, be full of grace, be full of grace. Yet, I was witness to so much bad behavior by adults. When did we humans begin to abandon the manners we learned as children. I was surrounded by professional adults who were rolling their eyes, guffawing, snickering and lying. At one point, I was fighting the desire to stand up and look at each of these grown-ups directly in the eye and say, "You have bad manners!"

I don't know how they slept last night. I didn't. I tried hard to release it, to decompress, but my back ached from sitting so long, from watching grown-ups strip away my hope in humanity. I would rather surround myself with children. They have manners, they usually speak the truth, at least the children I know. They could teach this group of grown-ups a thing or two regarding nobility, chivalry and having courage for the truth.

I am going to be kind to myself today. I will care for my aching, healing body. I will attempt to soothe my tattered insides and forgive myself for judging others so harshly. In the meantime, I turn to Miss Mary Oliver, who often helps to soothe my soul...

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

© Mary Oliver

In honor of the strength of truth and the human spirit to overcome even itself. 


Liz said...

Sounds like a very rough experience. I'm sorry. I hope you find rest and peace today.

Apron Thrift Girl said...

I know that empty feeling. Mine might arrive for a different reason but it's all too familiar. It was only in the last two years that I found a friend who is so kindred spirit and the heart of our relationship is truth. We are still silly sometimes, laughing often but we are very truthful to each other. We feel that our friendship is so authentic and that helps me feel more complete. I have a hard time being around false people as well.