Moon Madness

Sleepyhead

As I lay awake in the white moon light,
I heard a faint singing in the wood,
'Out of bed,
Sleepyhead,
Put your white foot now,
Here are we,
Neath the tree
Singing round the root now!'

I looked out of the window, in the white moon light,
The trees were like snow in the wood--
'Come away,
Child, and play
Light with the gnomies;
In a mound,
Green and round,
That's where their home is.
Honey sweet,
Curds to eat,
Cream and frumenty,
Shells and beads,
Poppy seeds,
You shall have plenty.'

But soon as I stooped in the dim moon light
To put on my stocking and my shoes,
The sweet sweet singing died sadly away,
And the light of the morning peeped through:
Then instead of the gnomies there came a red robin
To sing of the buttercups and dew.

- Walter de la Mare

Twilight

I had been trying to snap a photo of twilight. I was trying to participate in a Shutter Sisters Challenge, but I was always cooking supper at twilight. I haven't really figured out the Shutter Sister website and want to be a part of it so badly! It kind of reminded me of Liz and her Twitter challenge. I promise I will figure it out this weekend.

Anyway, my family was delayed, supper was ready and warming in the oven so I took the opportunity to see what was happening in the night sky. I was able to capture the full moon and a wee bit of twilight. I have had my camera for a little while, but have avoided reading all of the instructions. I just keep shooting until I get it right.

Tonight, I got something right, I think. I had to delete several shots, but ended up with a few great photographs of tonight's stunning cosmic delights. There is something about the full moon and the nights surrounding the eventful eve.

When we lived in the country on the North Shore of Oahu, I would bathe in the concentrated moonlight streaming from the heavens. I felt enlivened by the stream of moonshine and always felt a special connection to the moon, especially as a woman. The tides and phases of the moon are said to have a profound effect on women and their bodies. I am so happy I have finally been able to capture it's form and the effect it has when shining in my yard and streaming through my bedroom window. I have been known to awake in the wee hours of the night to find moonshine on my face, turn my full face to the full face of Her Majesty, The Moon, and soak in the violet light.

Reflections

It has been challenging confronting this holiday and comparing it to last year. I know in comparison to others, I am lucky. I am making a strong physical recovery, I have a safe and sweet life. I know others may have suffered and are suffering in ways I will never know.

What I do know, is what happened to me. I injured my back after ignoring it for months. There were many signs that something was not quite right in my lower back, I would have severe, painful periodic episodes. Because I had my life to live, children to raise, an emotionally challenging job to tend to, I ignored what I was feeling. I began to ignore what I was seeing as well. Intense emotional exchanges began to litter my life. All of a sudden, I was charged by the insincerity I was witnessing in my workplace. I felt I had to fight for what was clearly plaguing my work environment. After a particularly heated exchange, mostly aimed at me for speaking up, I was speaking with a colleague. She said she was glad I was willing to fight this fight for everyone, that she was thankful I was able to speak up on their behalf. It was in that moment that I realized I was holding something for a group of people that were qualified to fight their own battles. If they did not want to, it was their choice, but I did not have to hold all of this for them. No wonder my back hurt.

The next week, in a silly freak accident, I herniated a disc, in a big way. I awoke at 3am, paralyzed. I could not move my right leg. The pain was excruciating. I had no idea what was happening. I had no idea how badly I was injured. What I did know is that I could not walk or move or get out of bed without suffering. I kept thinking that any day now, I would feel better. I spent the holiday season flat on my back, the only comfortable position was flat, staring at the ceiling. The Christmas Holiday arrived and I thought I would be back to work by the New Year. As I look back, it is hard to imagine how I survived. My children were getting weary from caring for me. I missed the last Christmas with my nephew before he passed in January. I still had no clue to how I would recover, if I would recover.

I became overwhelmed in my dealings with the insurance company. I was slapped in the face with the reality of America's health care. Everything has been a fight, from the largest thing to the smallest thing.

I keep thinking, is this my life? When did I choose this path? Do I require this lesson? Apparently I do. Here I am. I am trying to embrace this part of my journey, find the lessons and leave the rest. Spiritually, I feel spent. I am exhausted from sifting through the rubble that I thought was my life. I thought I was well situated in my career, in my family. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. Now it has all been shook up form this injury.

I am still trying to reflect and make sense of it all. I hope this season, when the portal to the spiritual world is cracked open, that I will find some light, some hope, some clarity. Has anyone else experienced this kind of deep change at 40? I keep hoping it is a mid-life shake down. I keep hoping that at the end of this, I will hold some talisman that I can carry with me...

Readying For The Season

Last holiday season, I was confined to my bed. This year, although physically improved, I am struggling to embrace the season. I am hoping to bring a tree indoors this weekend and spread a little cheer. I found this sign at the thrift store and something about the simple statement, "Christmas Welcome" helped me say what I have not been able to say out loud. 

So, the ipod has some new Christmas music, there is sewing being done for gifting and as long as this sign does most of the work, we should be fine.

 

Welcome Christmas, come on in. There is eggnog in the fridge and a chill in the air, have a seat, I will be with you in a moment. 

Revel In the Obvious

I think I can say that of late, I have been experiencing a dark night of the soul. I have done my best to keep it to myself. Even my closest friend was surprised to hear my admission this weekend. I guess it is hard to say, "I feel blue." or the dreaded "D" word, could it be? Depressed? If only I were more on top of my game, maybe if I could just suck it up, then I could lighten up.

So instead of being ashamed, today, I will honestly state, "I am struggling." However, in spite of the struggles, I will pull on my yoga pants, take care of some paperwork, take a trip to the post office and hit the early yoga class. Because what I do know, is that I will feel better. I will smile and breathe a wee bit lighter. I know getting out of bed seems obvious, but today I will revel in the obvious!

Night Musings

This is my favorite time of day. The dishes are drying on the rack, the house is still tidy from a weekly cleaning and most of the laundry is done. Our tummies are filled with homemade tacos and avocados from a neighbors tree. Homework is done, I think, and my teenagers are on the way home. I love that my daughter is still enthusiastic about driving on errands and fetching her brother from boxing.

I imagine a restful night's sleep under clean and crisp sheets, sweet dreams, in our sweet home. Have a pleasant night, and may your tummies be full and may your spirit be ripe with living. Ah, I hear her car now. Everyone is home. Sweet dreams.

Unlikely Anniversary

It is coming up on a year since my back injury. I did not know how I would feel as the date began to grow close. On December 13th of 2007, I injured my back. I was in bed and in extreme pain for many months while I awaited surgery. It was a complicated and confusing time. I had no idea what was wrong and had to wait weeks and months for word from the doctors.

 

I was stuck in an insurance nightmare. My fate was in the hands of the insurance company and they were not running to my aid. It was such a lesson for me. I have always "known" that I am not in control. Yet, every day, I did my best to convince myself otherwise. I organized and cleaned, I worked obsessively, I hounded my children and looked at myself in the mirror with a cruel and critical eye. From the very beginning, I knew deep inside that hidden in the pain, in the unknown, in the surrender, that there was a lesson not far from the surface. I could see early on that the universe had been whispering to me to alter my ways. I was not listening. Finally, the universe shouted, "Go lie down!" I had no choice but to obey. I had to plan the pain medication to coincide with using the toilet because bending was SO painful. When my children would leave for school, the click of the door signaled another day alone, in bed, unable to get up to even fetch a class of water.

It was in those days that I could see, none of us are in control of our destiny. The best we can do is embrace the moments that make up our lives. Surgery finally came and although generally, I steer away from western medicine, I knew surgery was the best option. It was a technical success, textbook. Physically I was healing very rapidly and with much success. It has not been until recently that I have begun to realize the emotional toll my time away from living in the world has taken on my soul, my family and my career. 

It is the simple details of the day that have been most appealing. I find I am seeking a different picture of what I hope for my life, for my children, for my love. I still find there are days I seek the solace of my bed, no longer confined to the down comforter and forced to lie staring at the ceiling-I find I long for the lesson. The lesson of surrender, of forgiveness for myself, to allow myself time. I still need time to heal, to hope and to love me and where I am today.

So on this day, my bed remains empty while I explore once again, how to walk, how to love and how to surrender.