January in The City of Angels

This is one of the benefits of living in the City of Angels. In January, we had heavy rain and cool weather. Never mind that today is hot and sunny and the clothes are drying quickly on the clothesline. The boon is that the garden is bursting with pansies, snap dragons and petunias. These were planted  just after the garden beds were cleaned up from our summer crops. They suffered a bit through November and December, but now the beds are bursting with color.

Venus And The Moon

From The Rime of the Ancient Mariner

The moving Moon went up the sky.

And nowhere did abide;

Softly she was going up,

And a star or two beside-

By Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834)

Clowns?

Cloony The Clown by Shel Silverstein

I'll tell you the story of Cloony the Clown
Who worked in a circus that came through town.
His shoes were too big and his hat was too small,
But he just wasn't, just wasn't funny at all.
He had a trombone to play loud silly tunes,
He had a green dog and a thousand balloons.
He was floppy and sloppy and skinny and tall,
But he just wasn't, just wasn't funny at all.
And every time he did a trick,
Everyone felt a little sick.
And every time he told a joke,
Folks sighed as if their hearts were broke.
And every time he lost a shoe,
Everyone looked awfully blue.
And every time he stood on his head,
Everyone screamed, "Go back to bed!"
And every time he made a leap,
Everybody fell asleep.
And every time he ate his tie,
Everyone began to cry.
And Cloony could not make any money
Simply because he was not funny.
One day he said, "I'll tell this town
How it feels to be an unfunny clown."
And he told them all why he looked so sad,
And he told them all why he felt so bad.
He told of Pain and Rain and Cold,
He told of Darkness in his soul,
And after he finished his tale of woe,
Did everyone cry? Oh no, no, no,
They laughed until they shook the trees
With "Hah-Hah-Hahs" and "Hee-Hee-Hees."
They laughed with howls and yowls and shrieks,
They laughed all day, they laughed all week,
They laughed until they had a fit,
They laughed until their jackets split.
The laughter spread for miles around
To every city, every town,
Over mountains, 'cross the sea,
From Saint Tropez to Mun San Nee.
And soon the whole world rang with laughter,
Lasting till forever after,
While Cloony stood in the circus tent,
With his head drooped low and his shoulders bent.
And he said,"THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT -
I'M FUNNY JUST BY ACCIDENT."
And while the world laughed outside.
Cloony the Clown sat down and cried.

Maybe this is not quite what I meant by funny... There are funny parts. Although I can see that the overall message is a wee bit sad. I will keep working on it.

I Wish I Had A River

Oh I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

But it don't snow here

It stays pretty green...

At one point, after college, I had to stop listening to Joni Mitchell. She has always had a profound effect on me. I haven't been listening to her songs too much lately, but this one creeps in every once and awhile. I no longer live by a river. The ocean is a bit of a drive.  Not only does it stay pretty green, but it was 80 degrees here today. I even put the air conditioner on in the car. Sorry to all of you east coasters. I have had the words of this song running through my mind recently. I seem to hear them whenever I am feeling blue or confused or lost. I can't seem to shake the sadness. I really wish there was a frozen river, snaking through the bare, gnarled branches of silhouetted trees, that I could skate away on.

Oh, I know, my situation will remain the same, regardless of the shore I land upon, but it feels good to imagine the escape. I have always been a trooper, a doer, I never rested for a moment. But this, this period seems long and just sad. I hate that I can't push through this quickly, that I am doomed(allowed,) to feel every tinge of this point of my life. I am having a hard time having faith, trusting my instincts. I am trying not to be surprised by what the future brings and holds. I know my future is out in front of me, I just need to walk toward it. Can I do it with my eyes closed, like a roller coaster, or a scary movie?

I hope you all have not run away. I started this blog because I was feeling so isolated and lonely. Your positive comments have been so reassuring. I already feel a camaraderie from those who have left comments or sent personal emails. All of them have helped. Immensely. 

My ocean is not frozen over, the only frozen things around are the ice cubes in my freezer. No skating away. Just living. opening my eyes each day, making the best of it. I promise, the next post will be lighter, funny even. Clowns? Improv? I will keep you guessing!

Jam Pot

A few Sundays ago, we were driving along Colorado Boulevard. As we passed the large parking lot of the community college, I noticed that it was filled with vendors. We have lived in Southern California for some time now and we are in close proximity to two large flea markets. I went to the Rose Bowl Flea Market the first year we lived here. Although it was fun and I found a few nice items, the crowds put me off. 

I avoid traffic at all costs. I deplore driving around looking for a spot to park. Even being of simple means, I will pay for parking in a big city or at a large shopping center before roaming the slow moving aisles of the asphalt parking lot. 

So, back to our Sunday drive. I screamed in the car, "A flea market! Stop!" My sweetheart, always accommodating and willing to put my desires before his, DID NOT STOP! "Turn around, please..." I begged. He looked at me quizzically and asked if I was serious. Was I SERIOUS? Of course I was serious. Sheesh.

So we maneuvered our way back to the side street along the flea market. There was a parking spot right across the street. I always take this as a sign that I am supposed to be there. I used this method at a cute clothing boutique in Old Town Pasadena. It is a traffic and parking nightmare there most of the time. If I drove past the boutique and there was a parking spot in front, or near the shop, it was a good omen and permission to shop and purchase an item that day. This method worked many times and I have a closet filled with lovely linen skirts and blouses to prove this theory.

My sweetheart expertly parked the car and we made our way into the flea market. It was the perfect day to be wandering about outside. It had rained the day before, so the air was crisp and clear. The San Gabriel Mountains loomed overhead, sparkling from their shower, there was even a bit of snow on the tip top of the highest peak. We enjoyed wandering around and looking at all of the treasures. This was the day when I had to vow to no longer buy vintage linens. It was difficult, but I didn't even look at overflowing piles of vintage linens. Really. I was very proud of myself.

I did find some inexpensive silver cutlery with Bakelite handles, an iron doorstop and a beautiful etching of Jacob's Ladder. I had been looking for a painting to hang in an empty spot in the living room. My favorite find of the day was the jam jar... It was an afterthought. I saw it after I purchased a few silver spoons from a table laden with items. It was $5 AND  it was half off. Half off! 

At the end of the day, and having spent only $25, we made our way to the car. These are the days I treasure. It has been difficult lately, lonely and isolating of late. I live for the days when the children are home and my sweetheart is home. I forget about the days alone, I forget about the emotional burdens I have been trying to release. Every time I look at this jam jar on the sill, or when I scoop jam onto toast, I am able to remember that some days, have sunshine.

Sunrise

I have been fortunate in my life that each morning, without fail, the sun has risen. There was a time when I rose with that sun, joy-filled and with a spring in my step. I have always had a roof over my head, good, healthy food to eat and warm blankets when I was cold. I even had a fan when the temperature was too much to bear. In all, it has been a blessed life. 

We live simply. I have always thought our house was about 600 square feet. A carpenter friend was visiting and we were discussing the size of houses, he informed me that this house was probably a a bit less than 600 square feet. Oh, well. The yard is large and has fruit bearing trees, raised garden beds, lavender, rosemary, sage and mint in abundance. It also has a clothesline, my favorite part. One year I painted the posts hot pink and painted flowers and fairies all over them.

I have lived across the street from the Pacific Ocean in Hawaii, and I have lived in a deep green Hawaiian valley blessed with nightly rain and sunny days. I have lived on the ocean in a small hut on Kovalum Beach in South India, and in a small village along the Yamuna River in Uttar Pradesh. I have lived in a sweet and simple cottage amidst the vines of a Banyan Tree. In fact, one of the largest Banyan Trees on the Island of Oahu.

I have lived along the shores of the Williamette River in Oregon and my children spent many a day with their toes in the cool Northwest snowmelt. The shore was covered in chamomile and on a hot summer day, it smelled as though we were swimming in chamomile tea.

In Seattle, we rode the ferry atop the Puget Sound when the children were restless and walked around the large circumference of Green Lake each morning. We even rowed a boat in the deep green water in the warm cloudless days of a Pacific Northwest summer.

I guess I have always been a searcher. A wanderer. Yet, this wee home that I have made with my children is more like home than all of the amazingly diverse places we have been blessed to reside. It has been just the three of us, the three musketeers. We have slept each night to the rhythm of our heartbeats. There has been no privacy, just juicy togetherness. It has not been magical every moment. Sometimes the healthy food was hard to come by, or we had to save for the fan to cool the dry, hot of Los Angeles in July. But, the rent is affordable and in the end, I knew I could at least cover that, and the nights would be safe.

The shake down year of my back injury and what seems to be the loss of my career and community is putting all of these years into question. I am unsure of what my next step is, I am feeling lost. And although the sun keeps rising, the kick in my step is lost. I often find myself wishing I could sleep all day. Someone said the other day, what if you just stopped being depressed? Is that possible? Can you just stop? Can you turn it off, like a bad movie?

For today, I am going to remember that I have not always felt the way I am feeling today. There will be a light, it is coming, I can feel it. Until then, the sun continues to rise...

Nimble Fingers

I have been busy in doctor's waiting rooms, post offices and other places when I have a moment to spare. Much of the LOVE piece was done while our dear friend was playing the guitar at our table. Rhythmic creating as he put it.

The second is a new project on my mind. I have been embroidering silly quotes from movies onto vintage linens. In my rush to begin, I miswrote the quote by Blanche DuBois. I printed "relied" when it should have been "depended," bummer. I will be more careful next time.