After Christmas Glow

Christmas morning arrived with a chilly rain and strong winds. The stockings were stuffed to the brim and the tree sparkled above the lovingly wrapped gifts. Everyone was surprised and warmed by the thoughtfulness of the members of our wee family. 

In the past, as the only adult in the house, my stocking was left limp and empty. However, this year I was remembered and gifts were showered upon me, simple but perfect. Thoughtful gifts, picked out with only me in mind. It made me smile.

We spent a lovely morning with my mother and aunt. We brought the table into the living room, close to the tree and heater! We feasted on Creme Brule French toast and Asparagus Frittata. There was fresh egg nog, sweet conversation and I was able to witness the lovely bond between my mother and daughter.

The afternoon was spent with my immediate and extended family. Now, as the youngest of eight children, the baggage we all tote around can be quite a burden. I have worked very hard over the last few years to release my mother and father from the bonds of what I THOUGHT they SHOULD be and try to see them for who they are. A man and a woman, who came together to bring these eight souls into the world, not a bad task really. They were not perfect but what I do know, is that they worked very hard to provide for us. We lived in a very small house with 11 people. I suppose that is why I am so comfortable in our wee cottage. I am used to bodies on top of each other and a long line for the toilet.

From the beginning, I have been the black sheep of my family, the hippie, the irresponsible one who ran off to India with my infant daughter. I was the one who has always brought my bags to the grocery store, shopped at Farmer's Markets and spent much of my life as a strict vegetarian. I know this may not sound far fetched in these times, but in the 80's-90's, I was quite the rebel in my mostly mainstream, materialistic family. I ate beets. That one fact drove them mad. I did not eat eggs. My sister and her husband are very successful chicken ranchers. That drove them mad too. One year, as my brother-in-law was driving me to the airport to hop on a plane to one of the silly, exotic cities I called home, he turned to me with head tilted and asked, "How did you even wind up in this family?" I don't know, brother. I don't know.

So...as my brothers and sisters stood around the bar taking tequila and vodka shots, I snuggled in with the kidlettes. Don't get me wrong, there was a time when I would be right there at the bar. A time long, long ago. I was a little uncomfortable that some family feuds were solved while liquor was involved. Can a conflict born of true emotion really be resolved while intoxicated? Will it stick when the pseudo-euphoria wears off? 

I left feeling tired, but more true to myself than any other time. There is no judgment, I hope it does not come off that way. I have just found that I am feeling a little more comfortable in my own skin. A little more confident in the choices I have made over the years. I feel as though I am not bound by my birth order, the baby of a large brood. Just as a middle child or the oldest child, the baby holds a set of challenges all it's own. Running to catch up with everyone, never quite pleasing everyone all the time. I know, I think it is a baby thing, or a human thing.

I am feeling a little glowy in my revelations and welcome the messages of these holy nights. We are enjoying the last few days with the glimmer of the tree in our home and the feeling that only giving of the heart can provide. It is the after Christmas glow, but I hope we can keep it alight for many more days...

Winter Solstice

The Winter Solstice is upon us once again. I always love this transition most of all. It is quiet and silent and turns our heads and hearts to the core of winter. Although I am a summer baby and sun lover, and a Leo in all ways, the Winter Solstice touches me deeply.

 

I love the dark velvety night and the clear winter days. The bright blue of the winter sky warms me as I am bundled beneath my scarf and light sweater(sorry, it is Southern California.) I feel as though I can look far into the night sky and begin to see my year beginning to take form.

It is also the time of the Twelve Holy Nights. These nights fall between December 25 and January 5, just before the Epiphany. This is the time when the veil between us and the spiritual world is more transparent. I try to be open to the subtleties of my days and am very attentive to my dream life. The twelve nights are said to represent the twelve months of the coming year. If one writes down their nightly dreams, you may find a thread or theme. 

One year, I was very diligent about recording my dreams. At the beginning of each month, I would read my dreams from the Twelve Holy Nights. It was amazing how many themes began to manifest. It wasn't overt, but I felt as though I had a small guidepost for the year. It is also just nice to be open to these magical happenings of this special time of year.

I am being forced to re-imagine my life this Winter Solstice. I must find a clear path, or at least a visible path. I am going to embrace this sacred time, stare deep into the dark, velvet night and try to find my way. Happy Solstice and may the merry of the season fill your heart and home.

Living In The Moment

For over ten years, I have been the primary financial support for my children. When I first left their father, I went back to school to finish my teaching certification. I worked long hours at a Thai food place in Eugene and attended classes full time. I had an angel in my life who offered to care for my children for the duration of my program, two years. For those two years, I did not have to worry about my long hours and school commitments.

 I knew my children would be safe while I put in a full day at school and then a long, late shift in the evening. The rainy nights made it difficult to transfer the children from their sleepy beds, through the rain, into the car, back out of the car, through the rain again, and finally into their own beds. On these long nights, my angel thought it would be best for them to spend the night, she would take them to school and I would be pick them up.

It was hard. Sometimes I did not see my children for a couple of days, mostly due to school, sleeping, etc. I know it was hard on them. However, I am so grateful for my darling angel, there are no words. After graduation, I accepted a teaching position in Southern California.

The three of us packed up our belongings, said a teary farewell to our former life and headed south toward Los Angeles. We made many stops to see family and friends in San Francisco and Santa Cruz. If you ask my children, they will tell you we stopped at EVERY mission along the way. It wasn't every mission, just three or four.

We finally made it. I found the sweet cottage we now call home and embarked upon the next chapter of our lives. I know it sounds lovely and sweet and it has been, but it has also been very hard. My job was demanding in many ways, academically, emotionally and spiritually. My children were often on the back burner. Please know, they were cared for and loved and fed, but I was rarely fully present. I never received help from their father, they have no relationship with him. He still struggles with addiction and it has been difficult for all of us.

I guess I shared all of this because as I type this post, dinner is cooking, the house is tidy and the children are off at their after school activities. I am no longer the only adult in the house, and have the love and support of a wonderful, generous man. When the children return, we will all sit around our table together. Only this time, I will be present. I will not be a million miles away, planning the next lesson or thinking about the parent phone calls I must return, but here, at our dinner table.

I feel so very lucky in this precious moment.

In With Love, Out With...

I have been going to a Restorative Yoga class recently. It is a quiet, meditative process, mostly stretching and holding the stretch for long periods. It has been good for my physical healing process and even better for my frame of mind. Yesterday, in one of the longer poses, I was deepening my breath and meditating on breathing in love, light and joy. I was attempting to release hate and resentment. It seemed healthy and deliberate, and well, good for me.

This evening during the class, I was doing the same, breathing in and out. I know, novel idea, huh? Anyway, in with love, out with...Oh, what if I released love instead of hate? In with love, out with love, hmm? Could it be?

So, being adventurous of soul, I attempted to breathe in love and breathe out love. Guess what? It worked. I did not have to keep anything straight, breathe in hate, release love...No, that is not right. I do not want to breathe in hate. But breathe in love, release love? I think I am on to something.

Twilight

I had been trying to snap a photo of twilight. I was trying to participate in a Shutter Sisters Challenge, but I was always cooking supper at twilight. I haven't really figured out the Shutter Sister website and want to be a part of it so badly! It kind of reminded me of Liz and her Twitter challenge. I promise I will figure it out this weekend.

Anyway, my family was delayed, supper was ready and warming in the oven so I took the opportunity to see what was happening in the night sky. I was able to capture the full moon and a wee bit of twilight. I have had my camera for a little while, but have avoided reading all of the instructions. I just keep shooting until I get it right.

Tonight, I got something right, I think. I had to delete several shots, but ended up with a few great photographs of tonight's stunning cosmic delights. There is something about the full moon and the nights surrounding the eventful eve.

When we lived in the country on the North Shore of Oahu, I would bathe in the concentrated moonlight streaming from the heavens. I felt enlivened by the stream of moonshine and always felt a special connection to the moon, especially as a woman. The tides and phases of the moon are said to have a profound effect on women and their bodies. I am so happy I have finally been able to capture it's form and the effect it has when shining in my yard and streaming through my bedroom window. I have been known to awake in the wee hours of the night to find moonshine on my face, turn my full face to the full face of Her Majesty, The Moon, and soak in the violet light.

Night Musings

This is my favorite time of day. The dishes are drying on the rack, the house is still tidy from a weekly cleaning and most of the laundry is done. Our tummies are filled with homemade tacos and avocados from a neighbors tree. Homework is done, I think, and my teenagers are on the way home. I love that my daughter is still enthusiastic about driving on errands and fetching her brother from boxing.

I imagine a restful night's sleep under clean and crisp sheets, sweet dreams, in our sweet home. Have a pleasant night, and may your tummies be full and may your spirit be ripe with living. Ah, I hear her car now. Everyone is home. Sweet dreams.

How Do I Tell Her?

How do I tell her it is all going to be okay? How do I tell her that a broken heart hurts, well, until it doesn't? How do I explain that this feeling of fear over change may just be the first of many? That living on this planet means we have to learn to look at ourselves with clear vision. We need to always, always see our part and then admit that the only control we have is our own reaction. How do I tell my 18 year old daughter, the one who has been the light of my life, that her change is my change? How do I tell her that I don't ever want her to leave, without sabotaging her destiny?

She has a future so bright and shiny. How do I help her to keep walking toward it, even when your heart hurts, even when your body hurts, even when it feels like your spirit is broken, or damaged? How do I tell her, that frankly my dear, this is what life feels like? There are joys and they seem fleeting, but in fact they are as long as the pain. It is just that the joy feels soooo good and the pain feels soooo bad.

How do I tell her that in fact, she is perfection, even in her pain, always in her joy? I suppose I can't really tell her, I guess I need to show her.

Flowers, Fruit, Cool Water and a Wish

Thanksgiving weekend has come to a close and December is upon us. The weekend was lovely, there is nothing like time to enhance the time we have together. I especially love the feeling of thinking it is Sunday when it is really only Saturday. We spent a leisurely morning browsing through thrift stores and tending to household chores. When Saturday afternoon arrived, it felt as though I had all the time in the world with those I love. As much as I love Sunday afternoon, there is nothing like the feeling that we all have one more day together.

 I just purchased a beautiful camera strap from Emily Falconbridge's Etsy store. If I could take a photo of it, I would. Unfortunately, it is attached to my camera and thus difficult to document. You will have to trust me, it has enlivened my photo taking bug. I have been snapping lots of shots around the house. My blueness has forced me to take a good look around, weigh the aspects of my life and find the most valued of my treasures.

I am surrounded by so many. I live in a teeny tiny house. I joke that it is a French country house, and actually, it feels like one. It is blessed with a lovely yard, perfect for a garden, fruit trees and lounging about. My favorite pastime is embroidering the leaves of the various plants in the garden. I will share photos soon.

I have always appreciated my wee home and the shelter it has offered, but just recently I am able to embrace even the simplest of details. It is cozy and cost effective and forces my family to learn to live together, did I mention there are no doors? Well, there is a front door and a back door, and a bathroom door. Otherwise, thin veils of green curtain separate us from each other when we slumber. 

It is a simple dwelling, but as I look about from my camera lens, I find that blessings abound in every corner. So today, I greeted the day with flowers, fruit, cool water and a wish.

While the World Sleeps

I have been spending many nights listening to the night sounds of my sleeping family. Sleep escapes me most nights. Tonight, I am blessed by the soothing sound of rain. This is a treat in Southern California and always welcome. I peer out the window and watch the rain wash away the grime of the day and am comforted in the thought that L.A. after the rain is simply, radiant. The mountains loom to the north, scrubbed clean as the cool sea breezes beckon from the west. No, there is nothing like Los Angeles after the rain. 

My new freedom has removed the desperate need for sleep. I normally yearn for sleep, so that I can have a productive day, free of fog and yawning. There is a sweetness in having time, time to nap, if need be. A time to push through the sleepy day, in search of the veil of darkness to rest, to slumber. Or, as in the case tonight, to listen to the night breathing of my loved ones, the rustle of their night covers, the sighs of their slumber.