It has been challenging confronting this holiday and comparing it to last year. I know in comparison to others, I am lucky. I am making a strong physical recovery, I have a safe and sweet life. I know others may have suffered and are suffering in ways I will never know.
What I do know, is what happened to me. I injured my back after ignoring it for months. There were many signs that something was not quite right in my lower back, I would have severe, painful periodic episodes. Because I had my life to live, children to raise, an emotionally challenging job to tend to, I ignored what I was feeling. I began to ignore what I was seeing as well. Intense emotional exchanges began to litter my life. All of a sudden, I was charged by the insincerity I was witnessing in my workplace. I felt I had to fight for what was clearly plaguing my work environment. After a particularly heated exchange, mostly aimed at me for speaking up, I was speaking with a colleague. She said she was glad I was willing to fight this fight for everyone, that she was thankful I was able to speak up on their behalf. It was in that moment that I realized I was holding something for a group of people that were qualified to fight their own battles. If they did not want to, it was their choice, but I did not have to hold all of this for them. No wonder my back hurt.
The next week, in a silly freak accident, I herniated a disc, in a big way. I awoke at 3am, paralyzed. I could not move my right leg. The pain was excruciating. I had no idea what was happening. I had no idea how badly I was injured. What I did know is that I could not walk or move or get out of bed without suffering. I kept thinking that any day now, I would feel better. I spent the holiday season flat on my back, the only comfortable position was flat, staring at the ceiling. The Christmas Holiday arrived and I thought I would be back to work by the New Year. As I look back, it is hard to imagine how I survived. My children were getting weary from caring for me. I missed the last Christmas with my nephew before he passed in January. I still had no clue to how I would recover, if I would recover.
I became overwhelmed in my dealings with the insurance company. I was slapped in the face with the reality of America's health care. Everything has been a fight, from the largest thing to the smallest thing.
I keep thinking, is this my life? When did I choose this path? Do I require this lesson? Apparently I do. Here I am. I am trying to embrace this part of my journey, find the lessons and leave the rest. Spiritually, I feel spent. I am exhausted from sifting through the rubble that I thought was my life. I thought I was well situated in my career, in my family. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. Now it has all been shook up form this injury.
I am still trying to reflect and make sense of it all. I hope this season, when the portal to the spiritual world is cracked open, that I will find some light, some hope, some clarity. Has anyone else experienced this kind of deep change at 40? I keep hoping it is a mid-life shake down. I keep hoping that at the end of this, I will hold some talisman that I can carry with me...
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I finally feel as though I am embracing the season. We brought home a sweet Noble Fir tree and adorned it with our best vintage ornaments and hand made lovelies. The lights glimmer in the cozy room and candlelight illuminates the dark afternoon. I found all of our artisan clay ornaments from our time in Eugene. I am so glad I made the decision all of those years ago to purchase a handful of Celtic crosses and wood nymph faces.
I even feel inspired to finish the handmade items that have been awaiting my attention. We also have family coming in from Hawaii and we can't wait to see all of their friendly faces! The rain we had yesterday left a sprinkling of snow atop our local mountains. What a treat it was to step outside in the crisp winter air and see snow overlooking our valley. I am anticipating time in our glistening, cozy cottage with family and friends.
