So Quiet

Sunday, January 22, 2012

I am not sure why I have been so quiet here. I used to be quiet here because a certain attorney was reading this blog for slimy purposes. That period is finally over, unless said attorney likes this sporadic blogger and continues to read. Somehow, I doubt that, so I feel much more free, yet remain so quiet.

My days have been filled with teaching and planning and it is so good to have work. It is not without its challenges, as most things in life. However, I think my long dark time, the days I spent alone have helped. I feel less urgency about, well everything. I am learning to see only that which is front of me and deal with one piece at a time. I spent many years thinking I had to take care of everything. As a single mother of two, I kind of did. But it was an illusion.

Emerging from a deep state of depression was frightening. In the beginning, I found myself counting every minute I would be away from the house. Conversations would happen in my head like this, "You only have to be out of the house for four hours. You will be back home by 1pm. You can do this." And I did. And I had fun most days.

A few weeks ago I noticed that I do not obsessively count minutes and hours in my mind. Sometimes, I just go to school. I still prefer to be in my lovely cottage with the beagle and those who love me unconditionally, but I venture out.

The weather has been less of a hinderance to me this winter. We have been blessed with gads and gads of winter sunshine, which makes my heart soar. This is very rare in The City of Roses, so I am careful to not take for granted this sweet and mild winter. Of late the weather has been wild and diverse. Yesterday while leaving this amazing Portland store, we were forced to walk through hail and heavy rain. As the front passed, sunshine and clear blue skies dried our wet coats and left us craving Thai food.

I sit now in a hotel room overlooking the flashing Portland, Oregon sign and two of our 12 bridges. Despite the rain and lack of sunshine, I do love my new city. It is the perfect size for me and my husbandly. Our children gifted us with a mini-break for Christmas. So we are vacationing in our own city, ordering room service and drinking cocktails on our balcony. It has been lovely and I have been able to look into the eyes of my love more deeply than I do when we are folding laundry or mopping the floors.

So, I am. I am here. I am doing. I am painting. I am sculpting. I am teaching. I am loving. I am not counting minutes and hours. Well, most of the time. I am grateful for all of the bright days and all of the dark days. For all of these days make up my life and if I forget that, what is the point of being gifted these beautiful days that create a lifetime? Xo.

New Year

Monday, January 2, 2012

New Year's eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted; and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness on other nights.
~Hamilton Wright Mabie